Remembrances

I thought I'd write again since I've pretty much "confessed" all of my changes lately. I want to say that I appreciate the love from everyone. I'm sure that most who are LDS do not agree with me - that was expected, but I'm glad I'm still loved. That's all I ask. The other day I was watching television, or should I say, channel surfing and found an old favorite was on..."Steel Magnolias". This has to be one of my favorite movies EVER. I know it's a chick-flick, but I don't care. Growing up in the South and knowing how people can be, this movie makes me a bit homesick. We are headed back to Virginia this week for a family reunion - my mom's side. We have been really blessed that some of our family has decided that is was important that we be there so they are helping us with travel expenses. Being out of work for the last 5 months has definitely kept us within a short distance of home. It will be nice to have a change of scenery. I will miss our kitties, though. I love them so much and they are such a huge part of our lives. Timi is going to check in on them periodically so they will get some attention while we're gone. She's a wonderful niece. We are lucky to have her in our lives.

So, back to "Steel Magnolias". Unfortunately with everything going on in my life, I have to say that my emotions have been pretty close to the surface. For those who know the movie, the ending is pretty sad. I lost it! I was like a baby who was starving. I just couldn't stop crying. Then, the part where Shirley McLaine's character, who is a grouch by the way, gets shoved towards a crying Sally Field and Olympia Dukakis says..."hit Ouiser! Knock her lights our M'lyn. Half of Chickepen Parrish would give their eye teeth to take a shot at her!" I know the spellings are off, but you get the idea. It was hilarious - althought not to the Ouiser character. At that point, everyone starts laughing and Dolly Parton says something to the effect of, '...laughter through tears, that's my favorite emotion!'. I concur. This movie has it all - funny one-liners and tearful moments. I have to say that I have added a few of those quirky one liners to my own vocabulary over the years. Here are a few for your own consideration...

1. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a bad mood for 40 years! (you can substitute any number to fit).

2. You are a boil on the butt of humanity!

3. You are a pig from Hell!

4. You got a reindeer up your butt?!

5. Pink is my signature color! (again you can substitute your own favorite color here)

6. If you don't have anything good to say about anyone, come sit by me! (I have heard that this comes from Dorothy Parker, but it's a good one!)

7. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger! (This one has become my own personal mantra!)

8. That looks like 2 pigs in a blanket fighting!

9. I'd rather have 3 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.

10. I don't worry because I know you're worrying enough for the rest of us!

There are many more and probably some I also use that didn't come to me while writing, but you get the idea. This movie came out while I was still at BYU and living in Provo, Utah. Cindy and I would go to the dollar movie and watch this and "The Little Mermaid" many times over. They became our "soothers", if you will. So, there are a lot of fond things associated with this movie for me. Besides having a great cast, it just hit home. Literally.

With things being in such upheaval in our lives lately, I wanted to share something a bit more personal and less religion oriented. This is who I am. I am finding myself again after many years. Watching this movie reminded me a bit of who I used to be and who I can still become. I'm not sure why all the changes now? Maybe it's a mid-life crisis? I think I've been having one of those for the last five years then! ha. Whatever the reason I'm glad to be going home this coming week and soaking up some of that good 'ol Southern culture again. I miss it sometimes more than I think. I guess we all need to get back in touch with our inner child sometimes and figure out just what we want out of this old life. I've done a lot of things and been a lot of places since I left home for the first time 27 years ago. WOW! Has it been that long? It has. I've met and be-friended some of the best people. When I moved to Indiana in 1993, I felt I had come home again. I'm so glad for the friends and family here. So, one last quote from "Steel Magnolias". As they are at the home after the funeral Annelle has decided that her new baby will be named "Shelby" after Julia Roberts' character who has just passed away. Truvy asks her what she'll name the baby if it's a boy and Annelle says..."Shelby, I guess." Sally Field looks wistful and smiles and says...'that's as it should be. Life goes on.' And so it does...

"Things...they are a-changin'!"

I thought I'd write again since several people have begun contacting me in regards to my decision to leave The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. In my previous post I hope everyone understood that this is just me, not Cherie, who is doing this. Cherie is steadfast in her faith in the Church and is still a believing member. I love her dearly and she loves me. We are lucky that way. Through everything - job loss, financial strains, church resignation and many other stresses, our love has sustained us. For this I am lucky and grateful.

Fortunately, the responses I have had to my post have been kind and caring. I appreciate that. I'm sure there are many questions and that there will be many who disagree with me. That's OK. For the last several days things have been emotional for me. I am above all else a people-pleaser. Knowing that I have made friends and family sad, upset, shocked or any combination of those things, has been hard. I want to reiterate that I am still "Jeff". I have not begun doing anything differently in my life. Other than not believing in Joseph Smith or the Book of Mormon, I am essentially myself - same sense of humor, same issues, same hang-ups and same self-deprecating person that I have always been.

Last night I had an epiphany of sorts. In talking to Cherie about these feelings of sadness for causing such shock-waves, it occurred to me that I was forgetting one important person - me. So, I decided right then and there that I was going to be happy and content with my decision. I was all along anyway, because I wouldn't have requested it had I not been sure. However, I was once again forgetting my own feelings. The truth is, I am happy with this decision and know it is right for me. I still love and care about those who are members of the Church.

Religion is such a personal and internal thing. Changing one's long-held beliefs is not an easy decision, nor one that many people chose to make. I get that. Just because we believe differently about things doesn't mean we can't still have a great relationships. True, some things will change. When someone gets married in the temple I will wait outside. That's fine. When I go to church with Cherie (sometimes) I will not participate. That's fine. I will not be sitting there making ugly faces at things that are being said or taught. I will be thoughtfully listening. I will not take the sacrament. That's fine. I realize that there are more "serious" LDS things that I am "losing" but you see, to me, I'm not losing them.

So, I won't belabor this issue much more, but just wanted to clarify a few things from my earlier post. I have learned a lot, and as shocking and unplanned to me in the beginning as this has been, I began to understand things in a new way.

One last thing for those to chew on...I am also seriously contemplating taking back my birth surname, which is Mullins. So, get ready, Jeff is moving and shaking again! As they say...'things, they are a-changin'!"

Losing my religion

I've been going through a lot recently - the loss of job, trying to find work and also questioning my faith. I have belonged to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints all of my life. My mother converted when she was just a teenager and raised our family in this religion. My father is not a member of this church, but my step-father was. Consequently, I was raised in the Mormon faith. This past week I requested that my name be removed from the records of this church. This is tantamount to excommunicating oneself. I have a lot of friends and family who are LDS and know that this will come as a shock to most. It has taken me 2 years to reach this point, but I am finally there. While I know that most will question my reasons and find fault with them, I do not. I am happy and at peace with the decision. It was not an easy one to reach because leaving the Mormon church also means changing your life. I just want to clarify a few things. First, this is not a knee-jerk reaction to being "let go" from my job with the church. If anything, being "let go" was a result of this - inadvertently. Secondly, I have not committed any grievous sin that would require excommunication in the standard sense. I am still me. Lastly, no one offended me or upset me to force me into this cause. This is a choice I have made solely on my own with a lot of pondering and study.

Last night the Elder's Quorum President came to our home and talked with me for an hour or so. I know he meant well, but this is not a phase nor is it something that I have taken lightly. Religion, or faith is a very powerful thing and something that is very personal and dear to most people. It has been to me as well. I do not wish to begin living a different lifestyle or anything of that nature, but I do not agree with the basic foundation of the LDS Church from its inception. While I know I am going against years of teachings and training, I feel free for the first time in my life from the constraints of Mormonism. Many will disagree with that comment because they will say they already feel free while in it. We will have to agree to disagree on that one. I also am keenly aware that I have been a very visible figure in the church in the area which I live. I have served in leadership positions and have been very vocal over the years about my beliefs. This may seem very hypocritical of me, but I wish to clear up one thing...while I was in those positions, I spoke the truth as I knew it at that time. I was not in any way trying to mislead or misrepresent myself to anyone. I hope that those who read this or pass it along to those who know me will still consider me a friend. I have no desire to persuade anyone else to do as I have done. This is for me. Cherie does not have the same belief as me and will continue in the faith and I respect and support her in that. I do not hate the LDS Church, but do feel that people in powerful positions propagate falsehoods. That's all I will say in that matter.

I guess I ask that no one hate me or feel sorry for me. As I was talking last night, the thought came to me from the musical "Evita" and I changed it to fit my situation. So, please...'don't cry me for me...'

Jeff