"Things...they are a-changin'!"

I thought I'd write again since several people have begun contacting me in regards to my decision to leave The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. In my previous post I hope everyone understood that this is just me, not Cherie, who is doing this. Cherie is steadfast in her faith in the Church and is still a believing member. I love her dearly and she loves me. We are lucky that way. Through everything - job loss, financial strains, church resignation and many other stresses, our love has sustained us. For this I am lucky and grateful.

Fortunately, the responses I have had to my post have been kind and caring. I appreciate that. I'm sure there are many questions and that there will be many who disagree with me. That's OK. For the last several days things have been emotional for me. I am above all else a people-pleaser. Knowing that I have made friends and family sad, upset, shocked or any combination of those things, has been hard. I want to reiterate that I am still "Jeff". I have not begun doing anything differently in my life. Other than not believing in Joseph Smith or the Book of Mormon, I am essentially myself - same sense of humor, same issues, same hang-ups and same self-deprecating person that I have always been.

Last night I had an epiphany of sorts. In talking to Cherie about these feelings of sadness for causing such shock-waves, it occurred to me that I was forgetting one important person - me. So, I decided right then and there that I was going to be happy and content with my decision. I was all along anyway, because I wouldn't have requested it had I not been sure. However, I was once again forgetting my own feelings. The truth is, I am happy with this decision and know it is right for me. I still love and care about those who are members of the Church.

Religion is such a personal and internal thing. Changing one's long-held beliefs is not an easy decision, nor one that many people chose to make. I get that. Just because we believe differently about things doesn't mean we can't still have a great relationships. True, some things will change. When someone gets married in the temple I will wait outside. That's fine. When I go to church with Cherie (sometimes) I will not participate. That's fine. I will not be sitting there making ugly faces at things that are being said or taught. I will be thoughtfully listening. I will not take the sacrament. That's fine. I realize that there are more "serious" LDS things that I am "losing" but you see, to me, I'm not losing them.

So, I won't belabor this issue much more, but just wanted to clarify a few things from my earlier post. I have learned a lot, and as shocking and unplanned to me in the beginning as this has been, I began to understand things in a new way.

One last thing for those to chew on...I am also seriously contemplating taking back my birth surname, which is Mullins. So, get ready, Jeff is moving and shaking again! As they say...'things, they are a-changin'!"

Losing my religion

I've been going through a lot recently - the loss of job, trying to find work and also questioning my faith. I have belonged to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints all of my life. My mother converted when she was just a teenager and raised our family in this religion. My father is not a member of this church, but my step-father was. Consequently, I was raised in the Mormon faith. This past week I requested that my name be removed from the records of this church. This is tantamount to excommunicating oneself. I have a lot of friends and family who are LDS and know that this will come as a shock to most. It has taken me 2 years to reach this point, but I am finally there. While I know that most will question my reasons and find fault with them, I do not. I am happy and at peace with the decision. It was not an easy one to reach because leaving the Mormon church also means changing your life. I just want to clarify a few things. First, this is not a knee-jerk reaction to being "let go" from my job with the church. If anything, being "let go" was a result of this - inadvertently. Secondly, I have not committed any grievous sin that would require excommunication in the standard sense. I am still me. Lastly, no one offended me or upset me to force me into this cause. This is a choice I have made solely on my own with a lot of pondering and study.

Last night the Elder's Quorum President came to our home and talked with me for an hour or so. I know he meant well, but this is not a phase nor is it something that I have taken lightly. Religion, or faith is a very powerful thing and something that is very personal and dear to most people. It has been to me as well. I do not wish to begin living a different lifestyle or anything of that nature, but I do not agree with the basic foundation of the LDS Church from its inception. While I know I am going against years of teachings and training, I feel free for the first time in my life from the constraints of Mormonism. Many will disagree with that comment because they will say they already feel free while in it. We will have to agree to disagree on that one. I also am keenly aware that I have been a very visible figure in the church in the area which I live. I have served in leadership positions and have been very vocal over the years about my beliefs. This may seem very hypocritical of me, but I wish to clear up one thing...while I was in those positions, I spoke the truth as I knew it at that time. I was not in any way trying to mislead or misrepresent myself to anyone. I hope that those who read this or pass it along to those who know me will still consider me a friend. I have no desire to persuade anyone else to do as I have done. This is for me. Cherie does not have the same belief as me and will continue in the faith and I respect and support her in that. I do not hate the LDS Church, but do feel that people in powerful positions propagate falsehoods. That's all I will say in that matter.

I guess I ask that no one hate me or feel sorry for me. As I was talking last night, the thought came to me from the musical "Evita" and I changed it to fit my situation. So, please...'don't cry me for me...'

Jeff

Dash away, dash away, dash away all...

Warning: This comment contains subject of a depressing and sour nature. Read with caution.

So, here I am (this is Jeff by the way). Yesterday, April 12th was the 3rd month that I have been out of work. Time goes really quickly when you're doing nothing. It's been a rough ride so far but Cherie and I have managed as well as can be expected - thanks to friends and some family. It's not fun nor easy being out of work. I used to think that when people were on long sick leaves or out of work that it must be nice to not have to work. I was wrong. It's depressing, boring, sad and just plain frustrating. At first it was nice to have a few days off but after that it has been nothing but worry. Worry about money, food, electricity, etc. The list could go on. We've been down to very little food and have had challenges with other things as well. We haven't been out to eat or done anything fun that requires money for months now. We were never really that much into going out but the option was there, now it isn't. That's hard. I will occasionally go to a drive-thru and get a soda but my mind will inevitably go to the fact that even this teenager waiting on me has a job and I don't. Being over-qualified for some jobs is also an oxymoron. I mean if you're qualified, you're qualified, right? Having a degree helps but it's no guarantee of anything unless you happen to be a nurse or doctor. There are jobs by the dozens for those people. I would even venture to say that being a nurse is more advantageous then being a doctor at this point. Life just sucks right now. Sorry to all of you PMA-er's out there - that's "positive mental attitude-ers" for those not sure what those initials stood for. It's hard to keep a "positive attitude" when you don't even hear from anyone. I apply on-line constantly, I email and even call those that will allow it and yet nothing. NOTHING! No one responds at all. I mean it's like I have the plague or I'm giving out the wrong email address or phone number. I'm tired of this impersonal way of doing business. It does save on gas and having to run here and there but it also allows the companies to just ignore you, too. We're ignored so much anymore. I warned you that this was going to be depressing. I wasn't kidding. I am so frustrated and tired of being without employment that I'm even willing to consider jobs that start me at what I was making 10 or more years ago!!!!! Can you believe that? It's like I never worked at all. On a positive note, I will say that I am glad to be out of church employment. I hated that job. I did it for ten years but now it's like I was never even there. Honestly, for being the "church" it really sucks how they treat you. I would warn anyone to have anything to do with LDS church employment or LDS Social Services for that matter, but don't get me started on that either. I will have to paste another warning label for that topic! I went to BYU, worked on campus most of the time and should have known better about working for the "church", but it was a better paying job then the one I had before, so I took it with the hopes of moving up. That lated approximately three years and then that whole idea went down the drain. What is wrong with me? Why do these things keep happening to me? I know I sound like I'm having a pity-party and maybe I am, but what do I keep on doing wrong? Please don't say it has anything to do with the Lord testing me and refining me because I will scratch your eyes out. Believe me, I have been refined more than most people I know and I'm sick of it. I realize I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I have tried to be a good person and yet everywhere I turn for the last 10 to 20 years it has been nothing but heartache and loss. I am sick of being happy for everyone else. When is it my turn? When do I get to have my rewards or my share of good luck or fortune or whatever you want to call it? HUH? WHEN? OH well. I'm venting and I'm sure most of you don't care. Everyone I know keeps on telling me a good job will come my way. I appreciate the support - I really do, but I just think, how do you know this? So, I'm a nice guy - big deal. Haven't you all heard the saying...'nice guys finish last'? Thats me - last place all the time. Well, this is the end of the rant. I'm tired and tired of it, too. Thanks for listening or being brave enough to read this. It could have been much worse actually but I'm sparing the most sordid thoughts and details. Unfortunately Cherie has to put up with those.

Movies!

Oops, I forgot...I was going to write about a couple movies I have seen. Jeff and I received movie tickets for Christmas...we still have some left. We have seen The Blindside. Have you seen it?? RENT IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh it was SOOOOOOOOO good. I loved it. The acting was great and to think it was true. It is based on the true story of the life of a football player from Old Miss who is playing pro for the Ravens. Anywho...it was great. I loved it. And of course, I cried...not a lot...which is great for me.

We also saw...Brothers... Jeff thought the acting was superb in this movie, however, he said he didn't really love the movie. It was so well done. I hate hate...I hate war...I just felt so bad for the father/husband in this movie. He was captured by the Taliban and forced to put up with horrible horrible things. He was forced to do horrible things. Yea Rah, he was rescued...well, those things don't go away just because you are rescued!!! I HATE WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was horrible and so well done. I didn't like the story...because it could have been true...things like that happen...however, it was so well done...I would recommend it to those adults out there...it was NOT a kid friendly movie!

Of course, I have seen Twilight: New Moon...I have actually watched it about 8 or so times. I know, I know...I am old and acting like a teenager. I LOVE THE STORYLINE!!!!!!!!!! I am hooked. I have seen Twilight at least 15 times...I will, I am sure see New Moon that many times and I have read the books 6 times... and I plan on reading them more and more. I LOVE THIS SET OF BOOKS AND MOVIES. The movies, I believe follow the books pretty well. Of course, as in any book becoming a movie, all of it can't be put in the movie. I do think they have done a fine job of getting the main ideas and feelings into the movies. I have heard some say the New Moon movie was so depressing...and to that I say...HAVE YOU READ THE BOOK????? It is depressing, it is sad, it is scary...The movie portrayed the people pretty much the way the books did...New Moon had a completely different feel to it than Twilight did. I LOVE THEM....I guess I already said that. Go see it...own it and love it!!! It is awesome!!!! I did feel like the acting and directing was better in New Moon than in Twilight. These movies have made a TON of money!!!

There are a few other movies we want to see...we have missed them at the movie theatres...sometimes they need to be seen the first time at the theatre...we wanted to see Sherlock Holmes...we missed it...I guess we will see it when it comes on the free movies on cable...

I would also love to see Something about the Morgans? It is a goofy movie and I love to laugh. I haven't talked to anyone who has seen it and haven't read anything about it except the movie critic in the Fort Wayne Journal Gazette gave it a one and 1/2 stars...but I don't always listen to their scores...I don't watch a movie to critique it, necessarily...and this one sounds like a load of fun...I could just eat some popcorn and laugh.

Another one I wanted to see at the movies was Inglorious Bastards. It got all kinds of GREAT reviews and nominations for awards. I have a hard time sometimes with the Nazi jazz...but I really wanted to see this one on the big screen...maybe we will see it on cable...we wait for them to come on free!!!

Oh there are so many out there...I guess I need to stop for now. I do want to see Twilight: Eclipse coming in June. I don't want to wait until it is too late for me to see it on the big screen. We will save some of our movie coupons for that one!!!!! Jeff is so good to me about the Twilight things. He sees it helps me cope with life to lose myself in these movies and books. I love him for it!!!

Well, share the movies you have seen or want to see with us. We are always wanting to know how the regular joes we know and love feel about movies and books out there.

Have a great one!

Cherie and Jeff